“Please understand what is in this note and know that this plan is for my child, not anyone else.”, a disclaimer my father put into a letter for my twelfth birthday. I came across this letter when packing up my junior year at college (which was literally about three weeks ago btw). The letter is ripped from a legal pad, with both sides completely filled. I did not remember that I even owned this letter, let alone it was an outline for success. I will not be giving away much about the letter because of his obvious warning, but I will include a few quotes that have brought me peace as I begin a new year at university.
My father holding my baby brother Jake and my baby sister Brianna and I.
First, let me tell you about my father. Daniel Dunaj was born on January 6th, 1972, the middle child of three other brothers. My Uncle Andy is the oldest of the quartet, he was a police officer for over twenty years and was in the special ops. Uncle Mikey comes next, he lives two floors above my grandma and never forgets to get me Girl Scout cookies for my birthday. He is one of the most ridiculous people I’ve ever met. He will have one beer he is already drinking, with three ice-cold ones waiting beside him, all unopened! My dad is next in line, he has been a football coach for over 20 years and has been a gym and health teacher for the same amount of time. He is married to my wonderful stepmother Monica and also father to my little siblings, Brianna and Jake. Finally, Uncle Pat is the youngest, and the smallest of the four. He is now married to my Aunt Laura and will read any book I recommend. His current read is Just Kids by Patti Smith! I love my uncles so very much and am so grateful to have such a wonderful (although crazy) family.
Now let me tell you a few stories about my father. My dad met my mom in college, more specifically college gym class. My dad was a physical science major and knew he wanted to be a teacher when he graduated. My mom, on the other hand, was majoring in insurance. On the first day of gym class, my mom told me, the instructor announced, “Anyone who can get up on those rings over there and hold the Iron Cross for 10 seconds, gets an automatic A. You do not have to come in for the rest of the semester.” My dad volunteers walks over to the rings, and performs a perfect Iron Cross for the whole class to see. My mom said everyone’s mouth dropped open and the instructor just waved him away, and my dad left. My dad told me he showed up to the next class anyway, the instructor told him, “No, I’m serious. You are getting an A, you don’t have to show up anymore.” And so he didn’t. He got an A.
My father has a story for anything imaginable. He told me once he punched a guy so hard in his face that he knocked out the guy’s tooth and had to get it surgically removed from his hand. How did this fight start you ask? My Uncle Pat was being picked on by the school’s rugby team and my dad went up and said, “Who’s picking on my little brother?” My dad is not one to start or pick fights. He ends them. I like to believe he instilled this value in me, but I like to argue a little toooo much. Nonetheless, he is a legend of a human being. I swear to god we cannot go anywhere in a 20-mile radius of his hometown without him being recognized by someone.
One of the first quotes from this letter that stuck out to me was, “You can’t fly with eagles if you run with turkeys.” When I was 12, I did not have a lot of friends and the friends I did have I would consider to be turkeys. They made me feel insecure about myself and made fun of my interests. I was lucky enough at 13 to find my platonic soulmate, Crista. We share two halves of the same brain. She is more logical than I and I carry enough emotions for both of us. I know my dad is happy with the friends I have made. Crista even quoted him in our high school yearbook, “Sometimes you’re the statue, sometimes you’re the pigeon.” I hold all my friends very close to my heart. If I FW you trust and believe you are 1) on my mind 24/7 and 2) I will fight for you.
A resounding message for all my kings and queens out there, “Explain to him how you feel, and if he doesn’t get it, dump his ass!” My father is not one to be fucked with by any means, as exemplified by the rugby story. I am glad that I have a man like that in my life to look up to because so many have failed me in the past. I have issues opening up to people because of how I have been treated, but I have now realized I will never apologize or feel bad for being vulnerable. That is one of the most powerful and moving things someone can do, and if they do not get that, BYEEEEEEE!!!!!! My father does not talk about his feelings often but when he does, it always moves me. He is such a strong man and has been through so much. He holds such a special place in my heart. I cannot forget about my step-mother Monica either. She also has trouble opening up.
We recently went out to a bar together for the first time in August. We talked about everything from my being queer, school, jobs, boys, girls, you name it! She has also been through so much and I can only applaud her resilience. I am so thankful for her every day for bringing my wonderful little siblings, Brianna (10), and Jake (9) into the world. She told me, “I was so nervous to tell you that you were going to be a big sister. I didn’t know how you were going to react. But when I showed up at your house and told you I will never forget it. You were crying so hard because you were so happy”. And I still am so happy. They are two of the biggest blessings that I have ever received in my entire life and not a day goes by where I don’t think about them. Everyone was worried I was going to be jealous of my younger siblings, but that did not hold even the smallest candle to what I felt. I had been dying for younger siblings since I had grown up as an only child for the first ten years of my life. While Monica and I’s relationship has been rocky, we are working on it. She has been a huge supporter of my endeavors and provides endless advice on anything I could ever ask for.
I am grateful every single day for my family. They provide me with strength that I never even knew I had. My love goes out to everyone out there with shitty parents, you are still complete! You are still whole! How you were brought up does not change who you are nor does it reflect your character. We were all put here for a reason and it does not matter how long it takes you to find it, the point still stands. Thank you thank you thank you!